Going through a divorce? Depressed? I know what you are going through…
This is my experience and how I dealt with the worst of it…
My ex and I lived together for 7 years, were married for 3 and produced 2 beautiful boys.
Although we had many ups and downs we always stayed together trying to fix it, until 1 day this year. We were going through a rough patch and that’s when I found it! The messages… on his phone… purely by accident… with another woman, a friend of us both… very romantic messages.
I was shocked, that feeling of wanting to pass out washed through my body as I held his phone and read what was written… I was devastated! I emailed the conversation to myself and while at work I started from the beginning and read through everything, he didn’t even really make an effort to try and hide it by deleting them or anything. As I read through it I was shaking, my blood boiled! With the help of a friend who calmed me down I decided to print everything and when I went home I confronted them together. I stayed calm and when they tried to deny it I showed them the evidence… I surprised them, if not scared them… I was able to catch them out and I was dead calm (with the help of my friend and calming tablet… hehe).
They admitted then to being in love and we decided that night to end the marriage once and for all.
I stayed calm and handled everything like a professional, he filed for the divorce and I helped him fill in the papers. We sat down and spoke about the arrangements for the kids and agreed on everything… at least it was calm with little conflict. They apologised profusely for hurting me and I told them that I forgave them.
Don’t get me wrong, I was definitely hurt but I decided that there was no point in being angry because the only person that I would be spiting is myself.
Two days after the confrontation I cried for the first time, I put the kids to bed, sat down and let myself break down. I cried for hours. I was a little angry with myself for being so stupid for not seeing the signs earlier that I could suddenly see now that I look back.
I felt a little depressed for a couple days and decided to focus my attention to God to help me, that’s when I started listening to Joyce Meyer that showed on TV every evening. Which helped a lot and was very inspirational to keep pushing through life, I could hear God talking to me (not literally but you can feel it) telling me that something good is coming for me and started trusting that, that was true.
Some days were still hard, especially when I saw them together or saw photos that they shared on Facebook that at random pops up when I went on. So one day I pulled out my old diary that I hadn’t written in since I met my ex and I started writing, like a catch up of the last 7 years and I wrote every significant memory, good and bad… I wrote what I loved about him and what I didn’t… and wrote about how hurt I was. When I was done I read through it and it was at that point when I realised that this was bound to happen, that we were just not enough for each other and I decided to let go and wish them all the best, hoped that he had found what he was looking for. I told them that too!
Still on days that I was feeling down I would sit and write a letter spilling out all my feelings, read it, reflect on what I said then tear it up and throw it away.
Through all this though I was calm and collected in public, I did seem to be happier now that there was no more fighting going on at home. People couldn’t understand how I was so calm and not angry with them, but I wasn’t because it wouldn’t help anyone to be angry especially myself and my sons.
Basically my best advice, based on my own personal experience, is to let yourself go through your emotions.
If you get angry, be angry but don’t linger there. Think about why you are angry and then find a “bright side” and allow yourself to let go. Don’t listen to people who try and encourage you to be angry because “that’s what they would do or feel”.
Be sad and let yourself cry… again don’t linger, otherwise it will turn into a deep depression that is hard to get out of.
Talk to someone to get your feelings all out or if you can’t write it down or record yourself talking about it by yourself, reflect on it and let go, feel it wash through you and lighten the load off your heart.
Then when it comes to dealing with that person, STAY CALM! For the sake of the children stay calm and co-operative with each other because I have seen previously what using your child as a weapon can do to the child mentally.
Since then I have met someone new who is absolutely wonderful but I do think that the self-healing that I did during my time alone, allowed me to keep my heart open so that I could love again without holding back!